Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

Letters from a false prophet

Click to read
a letter from a false prophet.

Dear Dave Over the past several months I’ve been getting letters from someone who calls me “Dave.” If you know me at all, or if you’re a regular reader of my blog, you know that my name’s not Dave. Now my getting letters addressed to “Dave Lauri” is at least partly my fault. You see it was a test, and someone’s failed it.

I did something a bit deceptive. I filled out a form online requesting a “miracle spring water and debt cancellation kit,” and I did so using the name “Dave Lauri.” The kit did arrive, accompanied by a letter with all sorts of fancy instructions, promising me an end to all my debts, so long as I did the right voodoo with the water and especially so long as I showed my obedience to God by sending back a small financial token, even if I had to borrow more money to do so.

An example of the hocus pocus God is supposedly calling me to do

Of course God commands me to send money


The deceptive part, besides my using a name I never use, is that I knew I’d be asked to send money, but I never intended to do so. Yet despite my never having sent a single cent, I keep getting letters from my new friend, who makes all sorts of promises, so long as I follow his crazy instructions, which, coincidentally, always seem to include sending him money.

Peter Popoff, a false prophet
Who is this new friend that knows me so well that he understands my needs and can promise such big changes in my life? Why it’s none other than (false) Prophet Peter Popoff.

Despite having a direct line to God, (false) Prophet Peter doesn’t know that I’m not Dave, that I don’t need debt cancellation, and that no matter how many wacko letters he sends me, I’m never going to send him any money.

I guess (false) Prophet Peter operates using the same principle that SPAMmers do, which is if you send out enough junk, there are enough suckers out there who’ll respond to make it profitable.

What a way to make a living, though. Prey upon the “hurting people around the world” and see how many you can con out of their money. No wonder Christians in general have such a bad reputation.

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004

I got an interesting letter in the mail today, from the Rev. Wayne Delatte of the Interfaith Foundation of Mason, Ohio. He wanted to tell me about God's message, but the message wasn't what you might expect from a Christian minister. He didn't mention gaining eternal life by being born again and accepting Jesus Christ as my Savior. He didn't mention Jesus's urging us to love our neighbors and to care for strangers, the sick and the poor. So what did he mention?

Money. Money and bizarre instructions. Rev. Wayne wants me to think about how much money I need. He wants me to set a glass of water on a piece of paper on which I've written that amount of money, after I've taken three sips from the water. He wants me to press his letter to my heart and to my forehead. And most importantly he wants me to "release my seed [...] to God" and to "expect an unusual miracle release." (If you're thinking that that language is rather onanistic, shame on you!)

Sorry, Rev. Wayne, but you're not getting my seed or my money. I don't "feel led" "on authority of God's eternal word" to send you "$14 or $17" or "another amount." I have to give you credit, though, for keeping costs down and profits up by sticking to a simple black and white bulk mailing. Sure, Steve Munsey prophesied that we each should be giving God Benny Hinn $79, but they've got television production costs to cover.

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